Wednesday, 9 November 2011

A brief trip to normality.

Now, I'm going to take a quick break from my usual subject matter to talk about something important.
When you're in a place like a boarding school, it's very easy to feel isolated, even when you're surrounded by people. Sure, your mates will always be there for you, but there's a constant feeling of loneliness. A desire for... companionship. I began to feel this towards the end of grade 11, and it was all brought about by one very special girl, who I would grow to love more than anything in the world.

It all began with a friendship. When I first met this girl, I immediately knew she was different. The moment I set eyes upon her, I knew that she was like nobody else I'd ever met before.

So we began as just friends, talking mainly through texting and the internet, and meeting occasionally. eventually, I began to develop feelings for her, but being the big mach man that I was, I tried not to let them get the better of me. Over time, these feelings grew until I just had to be with her. Little did I know she felt the same way, but was also afraid to show it. Eventually though, through "an arrangement" and a few not-so-subtle meetings, we learnt of each other's true feelings. And so it began.

A relationship is sometimes a tricky thing to understand. Your partner can make you sad, angry, confused, every emotion under the sun. But at the same time, they can make you the happiest person alive. How does that work? I dunno, but I love it.

So really, I was the happiest I'd ever been. Until I fucked it up. A stupid mistake very nearly cost me what had made me the happiest guy alive, cost me a lot of trust, and destroyed in seconds what i had built over months. But I resolved to never let what I love slip away from me. No matter the fights, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness, it was worth it. Just to be able to call her mine, and know that she loved me and I loved her - it was worth it.

I don't know what really kept me going sometimes. To know that I had ruined what had kept me going, ripped me apart inside.

And to this day, we have our problems. We have our fights. We have the late night arguments that leave us going to sleep pissed off and waking up pissed off. We have those days where we just want to give up. We disagree and say things we don't really mean. But in the end, it's worth it. It's worth the fights, worth the tears, worth the worry, just to know that I'm fighting to keep what I love, and doing my best to keep it right. And although there are fuckups and disagreements, trust issues and arguments, it doesn't change how I feel.

Fight for that which you love, because to know that you tried and failed will always feel better than letting it go and thinking "what if...?".